


The Pieces You Left Behind

by kpop_biased



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama & Romance, Heavy Angst, M/M, Porn With Plot, Psychological Horror, Smut, but also just a lot of smut, i don't even know this is just really weird and edgy, there's a lot of angst okay, this is really dark ngl, well it's meant to be, wow there's actually a plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-07-13 14:48:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16020143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kpop_biased/pseuds/kpop_biased
Summary: Yifan leaves and Junmyeon is left to pick up the pieces.





	1. Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> This is meant to be Krisho despite the mostly one-sided Sulay. Just if anyone was wondering. I'm not sure where I'm going with this yet so let me know what kind of ending you guys want.

"Yifan stay, please. We- I need you..."

"I'm sorry Junmyeon..."

The words repeated in his head like a mantra, driving him to the brink of another nasty breakdown rather than providing the closure Junmyeon desperately wished for. It had been five weeks, five whole agonizing weeks, and his heart felt no more healed than it had when he left.

Time heals all wounds, it will be okay, Minseok had told him, eyes full of pity and sympathetic voice too sad for Junmyeon to pay any attention. He had been wrong anyway.

Junmyeon sighed and rolled over on his bed, he had lost track of how long he'd been locked in his room for and how many times one of the members had come in to check on him or bring him food, only to be ignored as Junmyeon hadn't spoken one word since that day. He knew they were worried and some part of him - the part of him that was a leader, strong and determined - wanted to plaster a smile on his face and walk out there like nothing had happened, to forget it, all of it, to act like it had never happened.

But he couldn't. Because he knew he would walk out on Chanyeol and Baekhyun sitting together on the couch fighting over popcorn and what kdrama to watch. He would see Kyungsoo, silent as always, hiding a smile at a dumb joke Jongin had made. He'd see Sehun sipping his bubble tea with Vivi asleep on his lap, Luhan rolling his eyes beside him. Jongdae would be complaining about something or other to Minseok, who would be nodding along but not paying attention. Tao would be on his phone, flicking through whatever new shopping website he'd found while Yixing would be practicing guitar off to the side or working on a new song, silent and ignoring the others' squabbles as always.

But it would be wrong.

Because Yifan wouldn't be there. No more Yifan to scold Luhan for his ghost stories, no more Yifan loudly complaining about having to help Tao in the shower. No more Yifan with his brooding expression but charming smile. No more Yifan distracting him with soft touches and breathy whispers at concerts. No more Yifan rolling his eyes at Junmyeon's horrible jokes but laughing anyway. No more Yifan. And everything would be wrong because no more Yifan meant no more of anything else to Junmyeon. How could anything matter anymore when Yifan wasn't there with him? How could he lead? How could he stay strong for the other members?

Junmyeon felt something wet on his cheek and realised he had started crying again. He didn't bother to wipe away the tears. He closed his eyes and lay back, mind wandering to places Junmyeon had tried to convince himself were off limits and therefore he could not think of.

How could he leave me? How could he leave us?

But Junmyeon knew the answer to that. He thought he did anyway. He didn't know much of anything anymore. Yifan had kept him stable. Yifan had always been there. He'd kept Junmyeon steady, been the shoulder he could cry on, the arms that would hug him tightly and not let go, the only person Junmyeon could let go with. Yifan had been safety and warmth and...

It didn't matter now. He was gone. And everything had come crashing down.

I can't do this anymore...

"-unmyeon?"

Junmyeon looked up in confusion, momentarily startled, he hadn't heard anyone come in. Yixing stared down at him, worry and sympathy in his eyes. That's the only look Junmyeon received these days. It was stifling. Yifan had never regarded him with pity, he knew him better than that.

Yixing was still staring at him and Junmyeon realised he had spoken again. For a moment he contemplated not replying and turning over, ignoring him as he had done the other members. But then he realised he would zone out again and his brain would trap him in a prison of painful memories and twisting emotions. So maybe being alone with his thoughts would do more damage than good.

"I'm sorry Yixing, I-" Junmyeon paused, suddenly feeling sheepish, he hadn't talked to any of the members in weeks. It felt weird, like returning from a dream. Or stepping into a nightmare.

"No need to apologise, I understand." Yixing spoke softly, as if to a scared animal. Another thing his fellow bandmates had taken to doing, addressing him quietly, as if he were a small child in need of help but refusing it. Nervous, coaxing, worried. Junmyeon hated seeing them like that, hated that he couldn't comfort them. But how could he be the leader they needed when he felt so broken and empty inside?

"You've... been through a lot." Yixing continued when Junmyeon did not reply, then he winced, obviously regretting the route the conversation was taking.

Suho smiled a bitter half-smile; understatement.

"Yes, well, we all have." He said quietly, eyes not meeting the ones still looking down at him. Not daring to. He wasn't ready to have his soul bared, wasn't ready to let them know the raw pain he felt. But most of all he couldn't bare to look into the eyes of anyone but Yifan, knowing he never could again.

"Don't do that," Yixing sighed and moved to sit beside him, features now twisted in a frown. "Yes, we're all hurting but... it's different for you."

Junmyeon didn't respond. He wasn't ashamed and he was long past denying it - he and Yifan had been open about their relationship from the start with their members - but he couldn't handle the reminders just yet. He knew that a part of him would never be able to.

"I can't do this right now." Junmyeon mumbled, he was sitting up now, facing Yixing but still unable to look him in the eye.

"Then when Junmyeon? It's been over a month." Yixing replied, tone still quiet but not as gentle as before - something else was underlying it - but it was not meant to be hurtful either.

"I just can't." Junmyeon focused on his hands, keeping his breathing even, focusing on keeping his thoughts from wandering. Maybe he was being stubborn but he was far past caring.

"You're not letting us help you, Junmyeon. Please... we're worried." Yixing looked concerned, that's the only expression Junmyeon ever saw anymore. Everyone was concerned about him. He couldn't deny they had reason, he would be concerned too if he had any capacity left to feel. But that had been crushed long ago, right alongside the scattered pieces of his heart.

Junmyeon smiled bitterly again, "I doubt anything can help now, Yixing. I appreciate it really but... just tell the others not to worry."

Yixing sighed, but his expression implied that he had expected this, "I'm going to help you whether you like it or not. You can't keep this up. It's been five weeks."

"You've said."

"Junmyeon, you need to move on."

Junmyeon went silent again, face drawing into a blank expression. Yifan would have apologised instantly upon seeing that expression. He knew him better than anyone else and he knew that expression meant something had affected Junmyeon badly but he would refuse to speak of it until his dying breath and would settle for short, snappy replies and a stern expression for the rest of the day. Until some of Yifan's cooking or massages got the better of his anger and it would be forgotten, replaced with Yifan's touch and smile, his warm breath ghosting over his skin-

"I can help you. Let me distract you."

Junmyeon was once more broken out of his thoughts and the blank expression switched to confusion as he looked quizzically at Yixing, meeting his eyes for the first time and seeing them fixed intently on his face, scanning, examining, with an odd predatory glint.

Junmyeon licked his lips, not missing the way Yixing's eyes flickered downwards. He swallowed.

"...What do you mean?"

Yixing stared back up at him again, "You know what I mean, Junmyeon." His name rolled languidly off Yixing's tongue but it sounded wrong.

"He's gone-" Junmyeon was unable to stop his flinch, unable to hide the hurt look, Yixing still continued. "But I'm here. I can give you what you need."

"...And what's that?" Junmyeon felt frozen all of a sudden. Like he had escaped from the prison that was his mind only to fall into the abyss of a completely new one.

"We both know the answer to that." Yixing sounded wrong, it all sounded wrong all of a sudden. Wrong; wrong without Yifan. He hoped this was all just a part of his mind playing a cruel trick on him, but deep down he knew it wasn't.

But when Yixing leaned forward and hovered over him, Junmyeon still found himself lying back, body somehow complying beneath Yixing. But it all felt wrong. It wasn't Yifan's large, gentle hands caressing his skin, worshipping every inch as if Junmyeon was somehow worthy. It wasn't Yifan's slightly chapped but soft lips claiming his. It was all wrong.

But he let it happen anyway.

Yixing pushed him down, hands traveling down slowly to push his legs apart. He crawled on top of Junmyeon, straddling his hips, kissing him more roughly than before. This time Junmyeon kissed back. He shouldn't, he knew that; he was confused and dazed and hurting. But Yixing was real and there and it was all he had at the moment.

Yixing pressed kisses down his jaw, moving on to nip at his neck, marring Junmyeon's milky skin with blue-purple marks that stung and claimed him as another's, but it wasn't right because he had only ever belonged to Yifan.

Junmyeon bared his neck, welcoming the pain.

Yixing's hands trailed down again, slipping under his shirt, blunt nails raking slowly over his skin, making Junmyeon shiver. Yixing removed their shirts, tossing them aside carelessly, his now hungry gaze fixed firmly on Junmyeon's petite frame. Junmyeon closed his eyes, losing himself in the feeling of Yixing's open mouthed kisses on his chest.

Yixing swiped his lips over a particular sensitive spot before biting down hard, making an involuntary moan slip out of Junmyeon's mouth. Yixing growled at the noise and brought his hips down harshly, grinding their clothed members together. Both males groaned at the friction and it wasn't long before their trousers and boxers joined their shirts on the floor.

Junmyeon breathed heavily as Yixing pulled back for a moment to admire his body. Eyes full of lust raked over his naked form, something Yifan had done a million times, something Junmyeon had only ever thought he would let Yifan do. Yixing kissed him again and Junmyeon lost himself in the sharp taste of his tongue, the stark contrast to Yifan providing a painful stab of mixed emotions, making him feel dirty but also giving him a sense of grim satisfaction.

Yixing's hand moved down to pump his members while another rested on his chest, pushing him down. Something like a gasp or mewl escaped Junmyeon's lips and he bucked into Yixing's touch; his hands were rough and needy, nothing like Yifan's firm yet tender touch. Junmyeon wanted more.

Yixing's hands moved to flip him over and slid down between Junmyeon's legs. With none of Yifan's gentle praise, he slid a finger into his waiting hole, prepping him quickly and messily. Junmyeon arched his back, the pain making him cry out as Yixing added a second and then third finger. Yixing scissored him open and Junmyeon rode out the pain, fucking himself on the other's fingers almost desperately, the pain mixed with pleasure sending bolts up his body. It didn't help nearly as much as he wanted.

"Fuck me." Junmyeon hissed, with just enough lust and need in his voice to make Yixing comply almost instantly. He spread his legs as Yixing grabbed the lube from the drawer of the bedside table and rapidly coated his aching member. He aligned himself at Junmyeon's entrance and slid in all the way in one swift movement, gripping Junmyeon's hips and groaning as he did so.

Junmyeon threw his head back, a silent scream escaping his lips. He was used to bigger but the pain was a welcomed distraction. With no warning, Yixing pulled back all the way and thrust in again, pressing Junmyeon's body harshly into the already crumpled mattress as another loud moan filled the room.

Yixing continued the movement, gradually gaining speed as his thrusts turned almost brutal, pounding Junmyeon roughly into the bed as the other whimpered beneath him. Thoughts of another filled Junmyeon's mind and he moaned louder, arms shaking from the effort of keeping him up on all fours. One of Yixing's hands that wasn't leaving bruises on his hips gripped his hair tightly and pulled his face round for a savage kiss, teeth clashing painfully during the open-mouthed kiss.

Yixing released him after claiming his lips, hands roaming his body hungrily, claiming every inch with none of Yifan's controlled dominance and primal passion.

Junmyeon panted loudly as Yixing slammed into his prostrate, feeling himself rapidly nearing his release.

"I-I'm- ah~ close-" Junmyeon breathed out, not receiving a reply in return. Yixing simply sped up his pace, one hand messily pumping Junmyeon's member, urging him on, and it wasn't long before the feeling of his climax tore through Junmyeon's body.

Yixing followed moments later, filling Junmyeon to the brim; it did not make him feel any less cold or empty. Yixing pulled out and collapsed beside the slumped figure of Junmyeon, who had once more curled into himself, his breathing heavy but not as loud.

And no matter what Junmyeon told himself, he couldn't shake the feeling of how wrong it all felt.


	2. Voice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll actually update regularly for a while wow.

3 weeks later

"You're thinking about him again." Yixing broke the thick silence that had settled over them, his eyes piercing as ever. Junmyeon couldn't help the prickle of nervousness at that gaze. He felt vulnerable under Yixing's stare, it was always so penetrating and hard to read. Junmyeon could never tell what the other was feeling anymore.

"I'm not."

They both knew that was a lie.

Yixing's expression flickered with something dark before he was on top of Junmyeon, pinning him down. As had become habit, Junmyeon let him. His body had been broken and used and rebuilt again so many times the past month this had become second nature. The feeling of letting himself be used still felt dirty and wrong, but with each memory of Yifan's touch or mark he had left that Yixing wiped away, Junmyeon felt a twisted sort of freedom.

At least that's what he convinced himself the feeling was.

Yixing pinned his wrists above his head, teeth trailing lightly over the skin on his neck before biting down hard on his sweet spot. Junmyeon gasped at the sharp spike of pain, baring his neck, welcoming it. His eyes fluttered close, body succumbing easily beneath Yixing's hands.

This is what he wanted... this is... what he wanted... this...

And suddenly it was no longer Yixing on top of him.

Yifan smiled down at him, the same small, approving smile he always had when Junmyeon spread himself out beneath him. Some would have missed it but Junmyeon could easily read the love and desire and wonder whenever Yifan looked at him like that. Junmyeon could almost see into his mind each time, knew from the expression on Yifan's perfectly sculpted face that his lover was questioning whether angels truly did exist because there was one right there with him.

Yifan gathered him into his hands, keeping him steady and secure as he always did. He placed butterfly kisses on his hot skin in all the right places, eliciting small mewls and breathy whimpers from the trembling figure beneath him.

"Shh... it's alright baby, I'll make you feel good."

Junmyeon nearly moaned when he heard the familiar voice. Deep and baritone just as he remembered. The voice that would make him comply almost instantly to anything.

Junmyeon lay back and spread his legs, welcoming Yifan with embarrassing eagerness. Yifan smiled softly as his hands gripped his soft thighs, gently pushing them apart as he positioned himself over Junmyeon, straddling his hips, their bodies fitting together as perfectly as two puzzle pieces.

"Relax baby, that's right, such a good boy for me..."

"Y-Yifan-"

Junmyeon's eyes snapped open as the name escaped his lips, accompanied by a loud whimper. He looked up and the dark eyes that met his were not Yifan's.

Yixing towered over him, his expression marred with momentary confusion before it was replaced with a stormy expression. Whether it was anger or hurt Junmyeon couldn't make out.

"Y-Yixing, I didn't- I-I'm sorry-"

Yixing pushed him down roughly and clambered off him, standing up and moving away from the bed where Junmyeon still lay, dazed and guilty, but still more confused then anything. He hadn't thought any of this meant anything to Yixing, he knew the other was just using him, but the hurt underlying his hateful expression was undeniable.

Junmyeon felt his heart clenching painfully.

"Please Yixing I-"

"I'm leaving. Don't bother coming after me." Yixing's voice was cold and devoid of emotion, unlike his expression. The tone and words sounded wrong coming from Yixing, so unlike the sweet, silent boy Junmyeon had taken joy in working and spending time with.

Yixing didn't speak again, simply walked out of the room, not hesitating, not even a glance behind him. The door slammed loudly after him, making Junmyeon flinch. Painful memories of another such departure invaded Junmyeon's mind and he slumped back in his bed, head held in his hands. Silent sobs wracked his body and he sat there shaking.

Guilt overtook him as he realised he didn't miss Yixing's warmth as much as he missed having a replacement for the one who had broken his heart. With Yixing he could close his eyes and pretend. Pretend it was Yifan kissing him, Yifan holding him, Yifan touching him. All the while hoping, wishing it was Yifan there with him instead of Yixing.

Junmyeon sobbed harder, biting down on his knuckles to avoid letting out a louder noise.

What a fuck up... look at you. Useless.

Junmyeon shut his eyes tightly as the voice pierced his raging thoughts. It wasn't the first time he had encountered it, except now he was alone. Usually he could bury himself in Yifan's embrace. Usually Yifan was there to hold him close and help him ride it out. Usually-

Yifan. Yixing. Yifan.

And you call yourself a leader. Pathetic.

Junmyeon had long given up on replying. It was no use. It only gave the voice more power over him, more ways of hurting him, more ways of burying itself in wounds and reopening old scars, leaving him bare and broken and bleeding.

Are you surprised he left too? I'm not. Everyone leaves you.

Junmyeon pressed his hands against his ears. He knew it was pointless but he just wanted the voice gone. Wanted to drown out the poisonous words that rang too true, dug too deep. 

The voice continued whispering, taking the form of Yixing and then his parents and the other members and finally Yifan. Junmyeon knew it wasn't Yifan, the other wasn't capable of such hatred and anger. He was cold and reserved and feared even but Junmyeon knew him better than that. He knew he felt safest in Yifan's arms because Yifan would never hurt him. Yifan was safety and security and love.

He had promised. Promised he'd be there to keep him safe and keep the world at bay.

Empty promises...

Not-Yifan smirked as he said it (thought it? He hadn't spoken, his mouth hadn't moved) and it looked so out of place. All twisted and wrong and nothing like the Yifan Junmyeon loved. Yifan wouldn't hurt a fly (because he was scared of them); Yifan hated raising his voice, hated arguments and conflict (because Junmyeon always won); Yifan was never cruel, would never take joy in making anyone suffer.

None of it meant anything. Just like you. You mean nothing.

Not-Yifan glared, malicious eyes flashing with pure loathing, as if wanting to burn holes straight through him. Junmyeon had to look away. It wasn't Yifan but the expression hurt him anyway.

Just do it. End it. No one will care. I won't either.

You're not him...

Aren't I?

Junmyeon swallowed, tears filling his eyes again. He had sworn to Yifan that he would never do this again. But Yifan had also sworn to him that he wouldn't leave. They would both end up breaking their promises it seemed.

Junmyeon's hands fumbled blindly for the drawer, shaking as they closed around the familiar shape of a razor. The voice hissed, sounding animalistic. Not-Yifan's expression didn't flicker.

Do it. Go on.

I shouldn't-

I already hate you. Disobedience won't add anything to that.

You're not him!

Aren't I?

You're not him...

Maybe I'm not. Maybe I am. Does it matter? I'm all you have.

Leave me alone...

Do it.

Junmyeon felt tears slipping down his cheeks as he brought the razor down. 

I'm sorry Yifan...

He felt himself slipping, barely feeling the pain. He witnessed an explosion of red and then the darkness engulfed him.


	3. Real Or Not Real?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I'm sorry this is so short.

Junmyeon's eyes flew open. Everything was black.

He tried to sit up but found that he couldn't. Everywhere he looked was endless, seeping darkness. When he tried to move his body did not obey him. Panicked gripped him suddenly. 

Am I dead?

But that couldn't be right. If he was dead then why was he here? Wherever... here was.

"Don't try to move. It's pointless."

Junmyeon tensed at the sudden intrusion, he turned his head, coming face to face with a smirking Yifan. No, he mentally chastised himself. This wasn't Yifan. This was the voice. Not-Yifan. Junmyeon shook his head to clear it, god it was getting confusing to think. It was even harder to remember and keep track of everything.

"W-Where are we?" Junmyeon mumbled, not really sure why he was whispering or even addressing the... whatever he- it was.

Not-Yifan rolled his eyes, his expression not hateful like before but instead mocking. As if Junmyeon was a mere nuisance he wished to swat aside.

"Isn't that obvious?" Yifan indicated their dark surroundings with a sweep of his arm, as if it was some sort of tourist attraction, despite there being nothing but a swarm of shadows as far as Junmyeon could see.

"No, that's why I asked you." Junmyeon snarked back, knowing he was technically talking back to himself but being too far gone to care.

Not-Yifan clicked his tongue in annoyance, face twisting into a patronising sort of disappointment. Junmyeon hated the way his expression changed so fluidly, switching back and forth between emotions as easily as if he were some sort of computer generated robot created especially to torment Junmyeon, and not a simple figment of Junmyeon's imagination.

"Oh I'm real alright." Not-Yifan said, still with the same wrong voice that sounded nothing like his Yifan. Too sharp and grating to be his, with an underlying hiss that made Junmyeon shiver and wonder what twisted part of his memory could have possibly fabricated this.

"You can see inside my head now?" The voice was technically his thoughts he reasoned with himself, but at the same time...

Not-Yifan regarded him with the same distasteful look from before, and Junmyeon knew none of this was real but the shiver of fear that crawled up his spine at the abhorrence in those cold eyes didn't feel faked one bit.

"No, Junmyeon. We're in your head."

"..."

"Where did you think we were? Heaven?" Not-Yifan scoffed. Was Junmyeon's hearing playing tricks on him or had the hissing undertone of his voice gotten louder?

"I was thinking more along the lines of hell." Junmyeon felt trapped, he wanted out, wanted away, couldn't bear another moment of that voice and his face.

"There's no use in running." Not-Yifan smirked and his whole face darkened palpably; he hadn't moved since Junmyeon had first fixed his gaze on him but somehow he was suddenly much closer. "You can't escape me. I'll find you."

Junmyeon tried to step back but he knew he couldn't move. The thing was keeping him trapped in his own mind. Sudden panic overwhelmed him as a horrifying realisation dawned on him. He was trapped. With some dark version of his lover. The nightmare was only beginning.

"Finally figured it out huh?" Not-Yifan smirked, walking forward the few short paces he needed to tower over Junmyeon. The height difference had never been a problem between them, more of an advantage if anything, but suddenly Junmyeon felt small and insignificant.

"Smart boy." Not-Yifan mock praised, he raised his hand sharply and Junmyeon's breath hitched, anticipating a hit that never came. Not-Yifan's hand gently stroked his cheek before cupping his jaw, tilting his head up so their gazes met.

It's not him...

Junmyeon took in the familiar features he had committed to memory. Every inch of skin was as he remembered it. Except...

Dead eyes stared back at him and the sickly sweet smile plastered on his face (Yifan's face, why, why did it have to be him...) made Junmyeon's skin crawl.

Not-Yifan's grip suddenly grew cold, his hand shooting down to fist around Junmyeon's neck. Junmyeon's eyes widened, his long fingers were like ice, digging into his skin and driving out the oxygen. Not-Yifan smiled as he twisted weakly against him and tightened his grip, easily lifting him up off the floor so they were eye to eye.

"Welcome to hell..." Not-Yifan's voice hissed, except now it came from all directions and what bit of it that had sounded human before had been replaced by something demonic.

Junmyeon panicked and re-doubled his efforts to break free, hands weakly clawing at Not-Yifan's fist, needing air even though this wasn't real, wasn't real, wasn't...

Junmyeon's eyes flew open. Everything was white.

Junmyeon looked up.

"...Y-Yifan?"


	4. Hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to do a double update since I probably won't post for a while longer than usual heh

"Y-Yifan?"

But it couldn't be. There was no way. Yifan was in China and Junmyeon was... where was he? Junmyeon felt panic spreading through him once more. This wasn't their dorm. Junmyeon's gaze darted around the large, sickeningly bright room. His eyes landed on the beeping machine at the foot of his bed, taking in the too-clean plastic covers and signature bone white bed frame.

Junmyeon's panic increased tenfold. He was in a hospital. He hated hospitals; hated their toxic smell and their artificial colours and the bland coffee and even more bland people, with their fake smiles and blank eyes, assuring you that you'll be just fine even though nothing about the situation is okay at all.

So maybe Junmyeon was being a little biased but he had his reasons. 

"Jumyeon... please look at me..."

Yifan again. Except it couldn't be. Except it wasn't. Except Jumyeon refused to believe it was.

"Please, we don't have much time..."

And Junmyeon found that just the slightest bit funny, even though it wasn't really and Junmyeon was starting to think the morphine and nausea were getting to him.

Yifan had said that exact phrase many times before. Only in a much different tone and in a much different situation.

Hands ran over his flushed skin, making him shiver despite the sudden boiling temperature of the room. Junmyeon felt a warm breath against his ear.

"We don't have much time."

Yifan's lips met his own in a chaste, sloppy kiss that quickly turned into something more and he was gasping, desperate, only it wasn't for oxygen.

"You better be quick then."

Junmyeon's expression didn't change but he turned firmly away from the man standing beside him. Still not looking up, refusing to meet his gaze, not knowing what would happen if he did. He had waited, dreamt, fantasized about this moment for so long. Had wondered what it would be like to lose himself in that intense gaze again; pondered what he would feel, if he would be strong enough to face him or break down and hope Yifan's arms were there to catch him.

That had all been wishful thinking. He had never imagined this would happen. Had never even thought about actually preparing himself for an encounter such as this. The setting wasn't ideal. None of this was ideal. A month ago, maybe even a few weeks ago, he would have given anything - everything - for a chance such as this. Even if it was just for a few seconds.

Now all he felt was emptiness. He didn't want Yifan here. He didn't want to be here.

"We don't have any time at all." Junmyeon's voice sounded broken even to his own ears.

"Junmyeon please..."

Junmyeon wasn't prepared for that.

Yifan didn't sound like Yifan at all.

Somehow that hurt. He hadn't thought there was anything else that could hurt him. He had played out every single scenario of how a meeting between them would go. But he hadn't ever considered that Yifan would sound so guilty. That he would beg like this.

Yifan's manners were impeccable, as most other things about him were. A simple 'please' wasn't something remarkable, but Junmyeon had never heard him adopt a begging tone. Simply because he had never had any reason to. Even during their fights. Yifan had always remained firm and collected. He had pleaded, sometimes. But never begged.

Junmyeon swallowed, heart clenching in his chest. He was a gentle soul, could never wish harm upon anyone. Especially not to those he loved. But he couldn't help the tiniest flame of triumph erupt within him as he heard Yifan use the same tone he had used on the day he left.

"Please, just... I want to talk. I know you probably... well I know you must hate me." Yifan sounded broken still and somehow that made Junmyeon angrier. They could read each other better than anyone. But Yifan always assumed so quickly. Acted first then thought later. Surely though he could see... or maybe he did and just felt like forcing the words out of Junmyeon. 

Junmyeon finally looked up at him, meeting his gaze with one filled with more ferocity than he thought he was capable of.

"I never took you for being cruel Wu Yifan." Junmyeon's voice was still raspy and jagged and his mouth felt dry. How long had he been out for? It felt like he hadn't spoken in days.

Yifan didn't look shocked, only startled. And just a bit relieved. But mostly he still had that guilty look about him. Like a kicked puppy. The kind of look that would have melted Junmyeon completely in the past but only served to make his chest twist painfully now and burning liquid to flow through his veins.

"I'm sorry Junmyeon-"

"And there it is. You're being selfish again." There was no real bite to his words, not that Junmyeon had exactly intended his words to be venomous. He sounded exhausted and weary, not like he was finally confronting the man who broke his heart.

Yifan still had the same look. Instead of the anger he had shown on That Day, he looked regretful and worn out. Not like the glowing man Junmyeon was used to performing beside. He didn't look any worse than before, maybe he even looked better, but there were undeniable traces of intense pain written all over his face.

"I explained to you, Junmyeon... I'm so sorry it had to be like that." Junmyeon felt angrier. This was nothing like Yifan. He wasn't violent but he was never one to not fight back in an argument. Yet he didn't fire back, not one remark or even a hint of anger.

Junmyeon couldn't find the energy to demand a real apology from him. Or for him to fight back. Not when he was just standing there and taking it like he deserved this. Which, if Junmyeon was being honest, really wasn't the case. But that wasn't what he was referring to, Yifan was the missing the point.

"You know that's not what I meant." At this point Junmyeon didn't know if Yifan understood at all. Or if he himself understood either. It was all a giant mess. His thoughts were a giant mess. He didn't know why he was angry, or even if he was actually angry or just a whole bunch of indistinguishable emotions manifesting themselves as anger. He didn't know why or how Yifan was here or why he was talking to him or even what he was talking about. He didn't know this place or where his bandmates were.

His thoughts strayed to them suddenly. And his parents. And managers. Where were they? And the doctors. And... what had actually happened? And all the while there was a voice in the back of his head and a constant quiet chanting of Yifan Yifan Yifan Yifan.

Junmyeon felt tired all of a sudden.

Yifan fixed him with an odd sort of look. It was a contemplative, thoughtful look, one that he rarely ever got, but usually only did when looking at Junmyeon - as if he was trying to decipher him. It usually ended with some sort of oddly intelligent question or offhanded comment about Junmyeon that would make him blush. Usually it was just little things that Yifan had picked up on about Junmyeon, habits or appearances.

It was their thing. It only happened in private and rarely. Junmyeon treasured those moments and the discussions that accompanied them.

Junmyeon had put away those memories, along with most other significant ones such as this, into a dark corner of his mind and sealed them away. They felt like ghosts of the pasts, like some fragile ornament you would always spot out of the corner of your eye when in a certain room that you couldn't help but be entranced by each time but knew not to go near.

It felt odd seeing that expression on him now. Wrong even.

"What do you mean then?" Yifan asked, tilting his head. And Junmyeon felt all wrong again. Like something was probing at the back of his mind, as if an unknown presence was invading his thoughts. There was something. Something there. Something he couldn't put his finger on.

"What's wrong Junmyeon?"

Junmyeon felt nauseous again.

For some reason he couldn't look at him anymore. He knew he shouldn't have in the first place. He turned away, feeling Yifan's gaze on his back. His skin crawled.

His eyes trailed over the room, noticing details he couldn't recall seeing before.

The room had dimmed apparently. Maybe it was cloudy outside. Only there were no windows that Junmyeon could see. He couldn't see much of anything. Or hear either. It was silent. The beeping of the machine had stopped. A doctor should probably fix that. Except there were no doctors. None that he had seen anyway. There were no nurses either. Or other patients. Or... anything really.

Except...

Yifan.

Junmyeon swallowed. He inhaled. Exhaled. And repeated the process. He slowly brought his gaze up to look at the dark, reflective glass that covered the wall opposite him.

Not-Yifan stared back.


	5. Escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really have much time to proof read this so I hope it isn't terrible

"I told you I was him." Not-Yifan sounded infuriatingly patronising, as if he was chiding a child; something about that soft-spoken yet piercing voice with the underlying hiss of a viper made Junmyeon's blood curdle. 

The too-sharp edges of his features and fractured ghost of a smile were back, right alongside the inhuman aura that didn't go unnoticed by Junmyeon. 

It was weird just how aware Junmyeon was of the other male, if one could even call him that, as far as Junmyeon was concerned the other was just a dark replica of something buried deep down within Junmyeon that was better left to be forgotten.

Not-Yifan didn't move or even blink, but suddenly it seemed as if the whole room (except it too must have been another cruel conjuring from the corners of Junmyeon's mind) had been erased from existence by some invisible hand and they were right back to where Junmyeon's nightmare had started.

"I told you, didn't I?" Not-Yifan spoke again, this time his voice robotic, his face twisting like a doll's, and Junmyeon wondered how he could have looked so lifelike and caring before. 

It's not him, he reminded himself, it isn't him.

But what did Junmyeon know? Even in his own mind he had no control, no stability. He was as weak and helpless as he had been before. He wanted to be free for good, wanted escape, wanted peace finally. Not this. He had escaped one hell only to fall straight into another.

"Having doubts pretty boy?" Not-Yifan taunted, hissing voice back.

"Leave me alone." Junmyeon's voice was a whisper, knowing it was useless but far past caring. He wanted him gone. He was no longer sure who he was referring to.

"I can't do that." Not-Yifan was suddenly much closer to him. Junmyeon couldn't recall seeing him move. He realised he didn't care anymore.

"Why?" Junmyeon's voice was inaudible, broken and choked like he was about to cry, but no tears spilled, he knew it was pointless.

Not-Yifan looked amused, regarding Junmyeon as one would a favourite pet who had misbehaved for the first time. For a moment he looked as if he was considering whether or not to indulge the other with a proper response or taunt him with another morbid metaphor.

"You know that already don't you?" Not-Yifan was stood closer still, eyes shining with sickly fake concern. "We're in your mind, Junmyeon. All this is your making. You're the one punishing yourself. I'm just tagging along for the ride." 

Not-Yifan stared at him, dark eyes boring holes into his soul, as if seeking out Junmyeon's weakness, anticipating the moment he would finally crack.

Junmyeon didn't have the heart in him to reply. The other was right, he had known in a way. Even when, for a moment, he had been fooled into thinking that it was really Yifan there with him. That he really had woken up, that the nightmare was really over. 

Now Junmyeon knew for certain that he was trapped, knew it might be forever. He cared much less about it than he had before. He could feel what little energy he had draining out of him, making even fear an effort he was struggling to maintain. 

Is this what dying felt like? Was he fading away in the real world? Is this how it would end for him? Trapped alone in his own mind?

"But you're not alone..." Not-Yifan's voice whisper-hissed eerily close to his ear. Junmyeon could feel his presence behind him. He felt cold. The other had no body heat radiating off him, the only sign that he was there was this sort invisible bubble surrounding him, an empty awareness of his existence, like a doomed warding sign signalling his approach.

"Oh how silly of me," the demon of his own making continued, "you want him don't you?"

Junmyeon didn't know what he wanted. Everyone else seemed to think they did. Yifan had thought he wanted an apology. Yixing thought he wanted company. The others thought he wanted to be fixed. Not-Yifan's guess was as good as any's, Junmyeon supposed, better than his own at least.

"You don't want me do you?" Not-Yifan's voice was more hiss than actual syllables now. The cold presence behind Junmyeon seemed to drop in temperature. "You want your knight in shining armour to come save you? Well he's not coming. I'm all you have."

Junmyeon did not bother to deny this. Another time, another place, he might have. Might have argued that he has his family and bandmates and his friends and so many other people. And Yifan. Some other time, when he'd had hope and a will to fight, he might have argued, maybe even lashed out. But this was now. So he didn't.

He had nothing to fight for anymore. He was trapped in a maze of horrors and dancing devils wearing skin that wasn't their own and taunting him. Junmyeon had never felt so helpess, so alone, so weak. Not even on That Day. Not even when the only person who had always been by him left him behind with broken promises and an even more broken heart.

He was dying, Junmyeon realised. Actually dying.

Not-Yifan had moved again, was stood a few paces in front of him, looking just enough human.

Junmyeon hadn't wanted to die. He wanted an escape. A distraction. A cure.

He wanted Yifan.

Junmyeon could feel himself slipping away again, his thoughts becoming unfocused as his gaze wavered. His surroundings flickered and for the first time since Junmyeon had seen him, a very human emotion flickered across Not-Yifan's too-sharp features. Fear.

Now it all made sense. He- no it - it was a parasite, not a demon, it had infected his mind. And now it was scared. Now Junmyeon understood what was happening. It was keeping him trapped here while his body deteriorated, not enough to kill him, just enough to keep him hostage. If he died, so would it.

The feeling that surged through Junmyeon was odd. He felt triumphant.

Not-Yifan growled, and suddenly all human features melted away from its body. It was no longer a monster wearing Yifan's face but a great big surging mass of something ferocious and angry. There was no way to describe it other than a hurtling ball of energy falling in and over itself, twisting and bending and hissing like something out of a horror movie.

This was Junmyeon's making, he realised. This is what had been building up in his mind. Swirling and festering away at Junmyeon's sanity, slowly poisoning his mind and turning his thoughts inside out. His own making, a reflection of his own inner demons, his own darkness.

It was a fabrication. He could undo it.

For Yifan, he thought.

A tumultuous shriek pierced his ears, tearing through his skull like a spear, leaving his ears ringing and senses disorientated.

Junmyeon payed it no heed. It didn't matter, none of this did. He focused on the only thing that did matter and closed his eyes. And he let himself slip away.


	6. Yifan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I know it's been a while I'm sorry! If anyone's still reading I hope you enjoy :)

Junmyeon shot up straight in bed, his whole body shaking heavily. Ragged, dry breaths escaped his parched lips as he desperately tried to make out his surroundings. Unfamiliar clothes clung to his shivering frame but Junmyeon barely noticed, too overcome with a raw terror that he couldn't quite place and a dull, far-away pain that his brain barely registered.

"-unmyeon? Junmyeon! Hey easy, easy-"

Junmyeon's gaze darted towards the source of the voice, too-slow brain not picking up on its familiarity until he was staring straight into the deep, warm hickory eyes that he knew better than his own and his whole body had frozen over with an array of emotions too numerous and confusing to discern.

Only when he felt two wet trails running down his cheeks did Junmyeon realise he was crying, and he cursed the sudden paralysis that had taken over his body and prevented him from fleeing. Though a part of him, of course, wanted nothing more than to stay right where he was and continue staring into those brown eyes until he had convinced himself this wasn't another distorted hallucination.

A broken noise - maybe a wail or a sob, indistinguishable really - that Junmyeon tried to convince himself didn't sound at all pathetic or pitiful somehow escaped him, despite his best efforts to maintain what little shreds of his dignity still remained intact.

"Hey it's alright- god Junmyeon..."

The sorrowful tone was too much for Junmyeon to handle. He somehow willed his frozen, aching limbs into action and began clambering off the bed, his mind in a frenzy to just get away, get the fuck away, not him-

He wasn't fast enough. Strong hands enveloped him and gently pulled him back, enveloping him in an all too familiar scent that had him choking back more tears. A well-known, secure warmth that had been all he could dream of for the past months surrounded him and he barely managed not to positively melt against the other's chest. A deep voice murmured quiet reassurances and sweet nothings in his ear.

It was almost too much. Junmyeon almost gave in. He almost succumbed to the gentle whispers that felt so much like home.

Almost. But he couldn't.

Junmyeon wrenched himself away from the embrace as if he had been burnt and drew his arms protectively around himself. He stumbled back a few paces before regaining his balance and raising his gaze to meet the other's, his eyes piercing and unforgiving.

"Get away from me, Yifan." Junmyeon hissed, pure venom dripping off his words. The words sounded unnatural to his own ears, he had never been one for violent outbursts. As Yifan well knew, as evidenced by the surprised and slightly sad look on his face.

Yifan stepped forward cautiously, hands extended in a peaceful gesture, as if trying to calm a trapped animal. "I'm just trying to help, Jun, please don't-"

"Don't... call me that. Just- just get away." The sentence had less bite to it, the anger already draining out of Junmyeon, replaced by exhaustion and more confusion. He tried to glare at Yifan but the threatening edge was lost as nausea quickly overcame him once more and he began shaking again, his body clearly on the brink of collapse.

Just as Junmyeon felt his legs buckling beneath him, Yifan was there again, wrapping him in his arms and lifting him up with embarrassing ease. Junmyeon felt his face flushing despite his own weak protests and he mentally cursed himself for not being able to resist the taller male.

Yifan didn't speak as he set Junmyeon down carefully - oh so carefully - on to the hospital bed, perhaps for lack of words or to save the last remnants of Junmyeon's battered pride. Either way Junmyeon was grateful, he didn't think that his brain would be able to handle delving into another emotional conversation. Not when he was barely processing events as it was.

"Sleep Jun, you'll feel better when you wake up."

Junmyeon couldn't find it in himself to hate Yifan's tender tone or his concerned gaze or the hand that lingered slightly on the small of his back as Yifan stepped back.

Despite his own inner protests and all the questions still floating round his mind and all the unexplained feelings, Junmyeon found himself obeying, his eyes getting heavy and mind fuzzier as he slowly slipped away. The last image imprinted in his brain as he drifted off was Yifan's sad smile and the feeling of a much larger hand gripping his own.

\---()---

Junmyeon had been sleeping peacefully for several hours now. He looked calm and at ease. So much so that Yifan had trouble believing anything had happened at all. At first glance, Junmyeon appeared almost the same as he always had. But Yifan knew better than that. He could see the faint shadows under his eyes, how his clothes hung too loosely around his frame and how his skin had lost its healthy glow.

 

He tried not to think about the obvious, tried not to think of the scars that adorned Junmyeon's wrists like barbed wire. They were hidden under layers of bandages but remained permanently visible to Yifan. He had put them there after all. That had been his doing.

Coward, coward; your fault, you-

All that was more than enough to make Yifan want to take it all back, to take Junmyeon in his arms and never let go again; his protective instincts were becoming almost unbearable to deal with around the smaller male. But he knew he really had no right. Junmyeon had made it clear he wanted nothing to do with him from the moment he had woken up, even if he had succumbed to him eventually. Still, the memory of the fury and betrayal in Junmyeon's eyes was raw in Yifan's mind. That had been his doing too. 

Your fault, you did this-

Yifan supposed that it was his own fault. This was his doing. He was to blame. He had broken the love of his life. Maybe beyond repair... if Junmyeon had been driven to this. But something told Yifan there was more to the story. Something... wasn't right. And it wasn't just the odd contrast of Junmyeon's angelic features against the hospital bed.

Junmyeon didn't belong here. He belonged at home with his family, with the rest of their- his bandmates. With Yifan. He wanted so badly to take him back home. To talk, to explain, to apologise. To see Junmyeon smile again. To make sure he was happy again. He didn't care anymore, they couldn't drag him away from Junmyeon's side if they tried. He wouldn't abandon him again. He'd end whatever nightmares Junmyeon was facing or die trying.


	7. Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update so soon what is this?! Yeah, yeah I know. But I'm on holiday for a few weeks now so I might actually finish this story, if I don't get preoccupied with writing another story I'm working on!

The past few days or so had been a flurry of endless activity for Junmyeon, most of it too overwhelming and sudden for him to keep up with.

He had been dispatched from hospital and returned to the dorm where the others were anxiously waiting for him. The following days included a drastic role reversal; now he was the one being pampered and fussed over by his overly protective bandmates, despite his numerous protests that he was just fine now (not entirely true but not a total lie either).

Their ever loyal fans had also provided their support and love and even their ever relentless company had eased up, agreeing to give Junmyeon a much needed break in order to make a full recovery. Junmyeon was of course grateful but he couldn't help but feel suffocated by the constant supervision and the feeling of being treated like an easily breakable porcelain doll.

Yifan - who had somehow managed to remain by Junmyeon's side throughout this whole ordeal - was the only one who seemed to understand that he needed space and obliged whenever he requested to be alone.

Despite the initial hostility and awkwardness some of the others (including Junmyeon) felt towards him, things were slowly beginning to mend themselves, and sometimes it felt like they were really all together again, sometimes Junmyeon hoped that things could really be like they had been once upon a time.

There was of course Yixing, who had been as earnest and worried as any of them when Junmyeon had first returned from the hospital. He had instantly taken on the role of the worried boyfriend, doting over Junmyeon and doing most things for him, though he behaved more like a lovesick puppy than a dedicated caregiver at times.

That attitude was quickly suspended by Yifan's sudden reappearance and Yixing quickly began to grow more distant and irritable, to the point where he couldn't stand in the same room as Yifan for extended periods of time without lashing out with some seething remark.

Junmyeon never knew what to do in those situations, he understood he was partially responsible for what Yixing was going through but he had no idea how to solve the obvious issue or even how to breach the subject. The scars from that particular period in time were still fresh and he knew any attempts to resolve whatever had been between him and Yixing would only result in more pain for them. And Yifan. He tried not to think about that but having Yifan there - alive and the same as ever really and really there - was more than enough to send him reeling into a pit of confusion and yet more unanswered questions.

The obvious solution to this would be talking to Yifan, but things were never that simple. It couldn't be that easy for them anymore and a big part of Junmyeon held him back from even attempting it. The rationally thinking part of his brain - along with his fears and most of his insecurities - concluded that talking to Yifan would be pointless and essentially useless, nothing could ever come of this, nothing could ever happen between them again. No matter how much Yifan stared at him with that familiar look in his eyes and no matter how much Junmyeon wished so desperately to just kiss him one more time.

No, he couldn't think like that. Yifan would leave again. He would be gone eventually. Just like last time. He was only here because he pitied Junmyeon, because he felt guilty for doing this to Junmyeon. Even though it wasn't his fault and Junmyeon wanted to tell him that so badly-

Junmyeon wanted to tell Yifan a lot of things. He wanted to tell him that he loved him. And he wanted to ask him why he came back. He wanted to yell at him for leaving him all alone. And he wanted to beg him not to leave again. He wanted him to stay so they could be a family again and everything could go back to how it had been and Junmyeon wouldn't be left alone with his thoughts again. He wanted to forgive Yifan and be in his arms again and never have to leave his side again. He wanted to tell him all these things and more but he couldn't.

A soft knock on his door ripped Junmyeon away from his intrusive thoughts. He blinked in surprise, the sudden return to reality jolting him slightly.

"Come in!" He managed, still gathering his bearings after zoning out for so long. The door slowly opened and Yifan's tall frame stepped through, his head ducked slightly to avoid a no doubt painful collision with the top of the framework.

Junmyeon's breath hitched as the older male approached, eyes widened partially at the sight of him. Evidently, he still wasn't used to seeing him around. Not that he ventured out of his room very often, mainly for that very reason, though he tried to convince himself this wasn't hiding. He was just being cautious. It still caused his heart to ache when he saw him being so casual with the others and acting like he used, it all seemed so normal, so mundane.

Maybe he should be happy that Yifan had changed so little and he didn't act weirdly or refrained around them. But sometimes it seemed almost... domestic and Junmyeon just couldn't bear that, the reminder of what was and what could have been. 

"Yifan? Why are you... here?" Junmyeon mentally applauded himself for managing to keep a stable tone around the older. All the countless times he had embarrassed himself in front of the other by acting like a crushing school girl had done a huge number on his pride.

"I'm..." Yifan swallowed, seeming uncharacteristically unsure of himself. "I want to talk... if that's okay with you?" Yifan's request seemed like more of a question as he slowly trailed off, his eyes avoided Junmyeon's gaze, he seemed to be almost at war with himself.

Junmyeon froze momentarily, hope and fear clawing at his chest. This was their chance... he wanted so badly to seize the opportunity but as always a million doubts floated around in his head, threatening to spillover. As much as Junmeyon wanted answers he was somewhat hesitant to get them. In his mind there was only one way this could end. As it had before, in heartbreak and tears. He couldn't go through that again.

"Did one of the others put you up to this?" Junmyeon questioned slowly, dreading Yifan's response but the taller male quickly shook his head.

"No! No, I- I want to talk to you. Just us. Please Junmyeon." Yifan stumbled over his words but his eyes conveyed the truth. He really did want to be here. Junmyeon felt his heart clench in relief, maybe he would get his answers after all. He couldn't hide from this anymore, there was no point in being a coward now, not when Yifan was so readily offering him a cure.

There was, of course, a small part of him that wanted to reject him. A tiny, twisted part that wanted Yifan to experience a small portion of what he had gone through That Day. But there was no way he could do that, not to anyone. Especially not to the man he loved.

"Alright..." Junmyeon acquiesced, feeling a burst of warmth in the pit of his stomach at Yifan's answering smile, still bright as ever. "Let's talk."


	8. Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is short and sucky and has a cliffhanger please forgive meeeeee

The awkward silence that had descended upon them was beginning to make Junmyeon nervous.

Both males were seated on Junmyeon's bed - which filled him with thoughts that couldn't be less appropriate for the situation at hand - Junmyeon himself had his legs swinging off the side of the bed while Yifan sat cross-legged (but somehow still managed to take up half the space). The Chinese male was barely a few inches away from him.

If Junmyeon moved to the side just a little he could almost-

No! Stop it Kim, now is not the time! He mentally scolded himself, hands automatically starting to pick at his loose jumper, a habit he had picked up recently whenever he was in a situation he didn't know how to handle. Or when he was in the same room as Wu Yifan.

Said guilty looking male was staring at the bed lining as if it held the answer to all the questions in the universe. It was clear neither of them knew where to start. Junmyeon mentally sighed, this wasn't what he had in mind when he agreed to a talk.

Come on, Kim, you wanted this now pull yourself together dammit!

Junmyeon cleared his throat. "So... um- how have you been?"

Wow, great going pabo.

Yifan jolted slightly at the sudden interruption and for the first time Junmyeon realised he was probably feeling as scared and helpless about the situation as he was. The thought filled him with a pang of worry for the other but it was quickly replaced by yet more questions, more of a desire for an explanation, more of a need to scream why?! at him.

"Good... I-I've been... I mean, well- I've... been okay." Yifan stumbled over his words, it was rare to see him so unsure of himself. Admittedly, Junmyeon had seen him with his guard down many times before but he was never usually like this. Another stab of worry filled his heart, exactly how much had Yifan suffered because of what had happened?

Yifan sighed, running a hand through his hair, his gaze finally rising to meet Junmyeon's. "God look at us... it's like we're complete strangers." A small, sad smile tugged at his lips and Junmyeon could only stare, finding himself unsure of how to respond.

"I had this whole thing planned out but now..." Yifan released a shaky breath, his guilty eyes still fixed on Junmyeon, the stare pinning the smaller male in place.

"I... it's okay..." Junmyeon mumbled after a moment of tense silence. "I mean- I don't know how to do this either so just..." he trailed off slowly, unsure what exactly he wanted to say.

Yifan nodded to himself, licking his lips nervously as Junmyeon knew he tended to do when nervous, which didn't help the smaller male's wandering thoughts one bit.

"I... should start then. I owe you that much don't I?" Yifan smiled another sad smile that quickly turned into a frown and all Junmyeon wanted to do in that moment was fling himself into the other's arms and never let go of him again. 

Yifan took a deep breath, as if steeling himself for what was to come.

"I... I'm so sorry Junmyeon. I never wanted to leave you, I-I never wanted- I was just so angry... I thought it was the only way I..." a bitter chuckle escaped his lips, "I guess I didn't think really. You don't know how much I wanted to stay with you, how much I..." another chuckle, but this one sounded more like a sob, "I just couldn't do it any more Junmyeon... I felt so trapped and I just couldn't- I had to leave Jun... I had to..."

Yifan cut himself off, blinking quickly and looking away as Junmyeon pretended not to see the tears in his eyes. And he felt more awful for it. How could he ignore the man he loved - yes loved, no more cowardly hiding Kim - when he had just laid himself bare before him and was so obviously riddled with hurt and despair?

Junmyeon ignored the thoughts rushing about wildly in his mind. He didn't want to think about them or the fact that he had all the answers he had wanted for so long... as well as all the new questions that had arisen with them.

He would sort his feelings out another time, for now Yifan was what mattered.

He crawled forward and slowly, almost tentatively, wrapped his arms around Yifan. The taller tensed at first but then all but melted under his touch. He shuffled around slightly and drew Junmyeon into a tight embrace, holding him against his chest almost desperately, as if Junmyeon was his one and only lifeline. 

Junmyeon relaxed in Yifan's warm arms, letting his eyes flutter close as bliss overtook him. He felt Yifan nuzzle his nose into his air as he sighed in content. The familiarity and comfort of the situation settled around him like a warm blanket and Junmyeon felt at home once more.

"Fanfan?" Junmyeon could almost feel Yifan's lopsided smile at the old nickname.

"Hmm?" And god did Junmyeon nearly shiver at hearing that husky voice in such close proximity. It really had been too long.

"I... forgive you." The words were barely audible but Junmyeon knew Yifan had heard him.

"...Really?" Junmyeon nodded because what else could he do when Yifan sounded so freaking hopeful and was more likely than not staring at him with those huge puppy eyes that would be death of him one day.

Yifan was silent for a moment but the change in his demeanour was obvious, to others it might not have been obvious but to Junmyeon he practically radiated joy. His grip on Junmyeon tightened marginally, pulling the younger male impossibly closer even though they might as well have been wrapped around each other already as he muttered quiet 'thank you's into the smaller's hair.

Junmyeon felt a smile tug at his lips, warmth filling his heart so quickly that he thought he could burst from it. He turned ever so slightly and tiled his head up to stare at Yifan, smile still plastered on his lips. The other smiled back and nothing had ever felt so right before.

Both seemed to realise just how close they were at the same time. But it was Yifan who acted on it. Before Junmyeon could go red or begin to move away, the older had already connected their lips in a kiss.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the end guys! Hope you enjoyed that rollercoaster of emotions :) Just a heads up, I might do another epilogue or something like that later!

Junmyeon remained frozen for a moment, the feeling of Yifan's lips on his own after such a long time was almost foreign to him but it felt so right. Nothing like the rough kisses he had shared with Yixing. This is what it was really meant to be like.

With that thought in mind, Junmyeon eagerly kissed back, feeling Yifan smile against his lips. 

The kiss slowly became more heated, going from longing to lustful in a matter of moments and the two only pulled apart when their lungs were screaming for air. Almost immediately after Yifan leaned forward and began lightly kissing Junmyeon's neck, sucking on his skin softly and licking the area after. Junmyeon let out a quiet noise of pleasure at the feeling, urging Yifan on as he left more marks over the other's pale skin.

Yifan let his hands travel down to hold Junmyeon's thighs, pushing him back against the bed and spreading his legs at the same time, admiring the other's body for a moment before crawling between his thighs and leaning over him to trail more light kisses down his throat.

Junmyeon made a noise of approval, wrapping his arms around the taller's neck and pulling him down on top of him until he was nearly being crushed under his weight. Yifan quickly adjusted their position and stopped the assault on Junmyeon's neck only to let his hand wander down and begin palming Junmyeon's growing erection, earning a low groan from the smaller male that made Yifan smirk. 

Yifan's free hand went forward and started undoing the buttons of the white shirt that Junmyeon wore before quickly throwing it to the side. Yifan felt lust quickly building in his chest as he hungrily took in the already flustered state that Junmyeon was in. Their eyes met, both dark and filled with want, it was clear neither had any intention of stopping.

No words were exchanged, none were needed with Junmyeon staring up at Yifan from beneath hooded eyes, his red lips parted and flawless skin on display only for Yifan to see. Yifan let his fingers trace patterns over Junmyeon's chest and stomach, his touch hot and teasing, making Junmyeon shiver under him. Eager and anticipating.

The rest of their clothes were swiftly discarded, both too impatient to take things slowly. It really had been too long.

Their lips moved together in sync as Yifan slid a finger past Junmyeon's hole, earning a small gasp from the younger. Yifan added another finger and began pumping them in and out, scissoring Junmyeon open to prepare him for what was to come as the smaller male's back arched in pleasure and a loud moan left his lips when Yifan found his sweet spot.

Yifan peppered Junmyeon's face and neck with light, sloppy kisses as he stretched him open to the brim, leaving him barely more than a needy mess. Weak, breathy noises was all Junmyeon could manage as he threaded his hands through Yifan's hair, complete bliss taking over his body.

Once the younger was prepared enough, Yifan pulled his fingers out and moved to rummage in the drawer, leaving Junmyeon feeling momentarily empty and more than a little impatient. Having grabbed a condom, Yifan quickly slipped it on and positioned himself so he was hovering over Junmyeon, their faces only inches apart.

"Ready?" Yifan breathed, the question barely audible.

Junmyeon nodded without hesitating, propping himself up slightly and wrapping his arms around Yifan's neck, connecting their lips once again as Yifan slowly slid his member in, giving Junmyeon time to adjust to the length. The smaller male made a noise that was a half moan, half whimper, rapidly becoming overcome with the mix of pain and pleasure.

Yifan started off slowly at first, making sure Junmyeon was comfortable as they traded sweet kisses and loving touches. Then steadily, Yifan began to increase his pace, his hands gripping Junmyeon's hips tightly as he thrust him into the mattress, Junmyeon's legs spreading further open, his head falling back as he repeated Yifan's name like a mantra. 

"O-Oh god, Yifan h-harder~" Junmyeon moaned out, his whole body jerking with each of Yifan's thrusts. The taller leaned down, molding their lips together in a hungry kiss, Junmyeon whimpering as Yifan suddenly slipped his tongue into his hot mouth, the older snapping his hips forward even faster than before, Junmyeon's thighs trembling under the assault.

"I-I'm close-" Junmyeon moaned out, his hands digging into Yifan's muscular shoulders to steady himself, nails leaving behind angry red marks, as if wanting to engrave the memory into Yifan's skin. It only took a few more thrusts for Junmyeon to reach his climax, the sight of it and the loud moan that Junmyeon let out enough to drive Yifan over the edge right after him.

The two panted breathlessly, gradually coming off their high, both taking a moment to collect themselves before Yifan pulled out and tossed the used condom in the trash, quickly returning to collapse beside Junmyeon and draw him into a tight embrace. Yifan pressed his lips to the younger's forehead and caressed his cheek, a tired but content smile gracing Junmyeon's lips as he did so.

"I love you," murmured Yifan, not caring how the words may affect them or if it was still too soon, "I love you and I'm not leaving again."

Junmyeon raised his head to meet Yifan's gaze, remaining silent for a moment before leaning up and connecting their lips in a small, sweet kiss.

"I know." 

"I mean it. I love you." Yifan repeated with conviction, cupping Junmyeon's cheek and fixing him with a stare that made the smaller blush. "I won't leave you ever again."

Junmyeon studied him carefully; the intensity in his eyes, his serious yet soft features, their intertwined bodies, the passion in his voice. It was all there. All there for Junmyeon. It had only ever been Junmyeon for Yifan and Yifan for Junmyeon. Like it should be.

Now, Junmyeon didn't believe in god. Or fate. Or a greater being somewhere out there. But he didn't have to believe in any of that to see that maybe - just maybe - soulmates might be real.

Yifan was his after all.

And really, what more could he want?

"I love you too, Yifan."


End file.
